heart

Daddy I love you! Daddy I need you, I long for that beautiful relationship. You are home to me. No matter what the past was or wasn't, we are connected. We have that cosmic connection one has when tied together through genetics. You may not "know" me nor I you but we have something regardless, something that is not often said. For you to be in my life consistently, I will likely never know. Yet I still long for and would accept in a second. We may not get each other, yet we get each other. You will forever be my daddy.

behind the word

So lately I have been thinking about things in a different light. For example, I caught myself saying " She really has a nice life, she deserves it" then I caught myself and thought about the word I had actually said and then backpedaled a bit by saying "well, not like other people don't". That's where it started. I have spent some time thinking about the word "deserve(s)(ed)" and what it really means and it's implications. First of all I have decided that I don't like the word. And second it seems to be a very negative word. Since I caught myself saying this word in above sentence, I have since stopped using it. If you think about it, who's to say what one person may deserve over another, or rather it implies that there are less deserving people. There are a lot of people out there going through some hard times, doing everything they can to support their families, are they any less deserving of this "nice" life. I know it's all relative, and what one may see as a nice life, another wouldn't but you could use the same analogy to any use of the word. The only time I can justify the proper use of the word, is for murderers and child molesters, because in my eyes, they "deserve" to die a horrible death. But do they really? I guess it's a personal opinion shared by many. Others might argue that they "deserve" a second chance after doing their time for their crime. But did that child "deserve" to get molested? Did that family "deserve" to lose a loved one? It is a debatable subject. One I would like to have one day with the right person who could maybe shed a different perspective on the subject/word. In the meantime I continue to think about the word and all the ways it could be used or said and still come back to the idea that it is a negative word. And I for one do not want to imply to any one that one is more deserving than another. As human beings, living with good intentions, I believe we are all "deserving" to have a good happy healthy life.

a small release

Sometimes I feel like I have to be so strong for the people around me, and generally I enjoy doing so. Then there are those days when I feel so weak and broken and I feel like I am not allowed to be weak or broken because I have had my share. And those people will see me feeling so down and wonder how they will be able to do it themselves, because at times, it is SO hard. I often have to remind myself that it doesn't last forever, the children grow and what I see now as challenging will be pale in comparison to the new challenges I will face. That is all, I know I am only human and I need to take care of mine, and everyone will take care of theres.
on another note-

Dear friend,
We have known each other for many many years and I have been wanting to tell you how I feel about a particular thing for some time now so here it goes: I love you more than most people I know and yes we live far apart and we have for many many years. And no, I don't expect to be your "go to" person for all of life's little problems, although I am not going to lie that it would be nice. But when we talk and I do tell you of the hard times I have had and you feel sad and guilty that you are not there for my life problems, and tell me that you want to be and that I should call you when I feel down, so then the next time I call you and feel down, ANSWER YOUR DAMN PHONE! or at least return any one of my many calls. You can't expect me to call you when I need someone to talk to if you never pick up your phone. I know that certain people count on me for things and when they call, even if I am in the middle of something, I find a way too answer, even if its only for a minute. I make the time. It is hurtful, It is really hurtful when you justify your lack of communication with some bullshit excuse. I deserve better than that. So next time we talk you can keep your apologies because you obviously don't mean it. And if you do it is short lived, and we have known each other way too long for anything to be short lived. That is all. Oh, and I still love you more than most people I know.

never say never

I have been having a lot of intense feelings these past 2 days. It all comes from a discussion I had with my sister friend. I love this woman more that I could ever imagine. I feel like she was a missing part of my life, and until I met her, which was a short 3-4 years ago, I didn't realize what it was about my life that was missing. If there was an equation for my life it would look like this- loving husband+beautiful healthy girls+family+sisterfriend=complete. She is my safety net, my safe place, my respite of non-judgement, which hopefully temporarily, came to a screeching halt the other day around 8 pm. It had been a rough day for us all and the combination of my intense daughter with her sensitive angel of a child, proved to be more disasterous than I thought possible. Apparently she has been harboring some intense feelings about how my daughter acts/reacts. We had a long, very adult conversation regarding this and all feelings involved. Some things were said that, after some time to marinate in them, I feel I have a problem with. I have woken up these last 2 mornings with a very heavy heart. I feel like my safety net of non-judgement is gone. I feel like I am the only one who sees all the awesomeness of my very bright 3 year old. I don't expect anyone to love my child as much as I do (well maybe my mom) but I really felt that of all the people I associate with, she was one person I could count on to love my daughter, in all her wicked glory, unconditionally. We have spoken on the phone a few times since and things seem to be fine on the surface. I am scared to death about the next time we get together. We usually see each other twice a week and I am feeling like there may need to be a break. So we can heal, so I can heal. When I see her I want to hug her tight and cry. When I think about all the things that were said I want to curl into a ball and sob. Things just feel up in the air right now. In one respect I am confident that things will go back to normal and on the other hand am terrified that this is the wedge that comes between us, that this is the splinter that will burst our bubble. God I hope not. I feel sick over this whole thing. And I am lost.

deep thoughts

Most times when I just can't stand it all, I get an intense need for a hot shower. I am not sure when this came about but it seems to satisfy. These are not just normal wash yourself type showers. I make sure the water is just right then I sit on the floor of the shower, head directly in the path of steamy water, and I let it run down my body. But mostly I feel it is washing my brain. I can sit there for some time, some might see this as wasteful, where I see it as theraputic. Cheap therapy. For some reason, I feel like I can really think when I do this, and my thoughts are tolerable. My hair in my face, catching the water, I can watch it fall away from my face. I often wonder where my daughter gets her quirks (some things just have to a certain way), thinking she is quite strange, but if I look at my quirks, like really look at them, they are parallel. I am just an adult version with a bit more insight. Not much at times, but I regress.

"Daddy" Issues

Just when I think I am in a place that I don't resent my father- something comes up and makes it hard for me to not have those feelings. Inside of me there is still this little girl that is dying for her fathers attention and love. Knowing that he is in the next state and unknowingly denying me, that is baffling. Without getting into too many details, you would think after living on this earth for that many years you would have a few things figured out about relationships what what makes life full. Maybe the reality that his life is full without my consistent presence is good with him is what hurts. I keep getting to these points in my life where I feel like I need to let him know how I feel, and how I have felt for so many years, and the idea of that is so scary I never go through with it. Who knows if I ever will.

who needs sleep anyway?

I am up and it's 1 AM. I can't remember the last time I was actually awake at this time. The 3 year old is playing quietly in her room for now. She fell asleep at 6 tonight and foolish me thought she would actually stay asleep till the morning. Tomorrow should be interesting, as far as patience goes. Now she wants me to dance. Can i cry now? I want to embrace this, but it is hard to fight the sleepiness. yawn...