never say never

I have been having a lot of intense feelings these past 2 days. It all comes from a discussion I had with my sister friend. I love this woman more that I could ever imagine. I feel like she was a missing part of my life, and until I met her, which was a short 3-4 years ago, I didn't realize what it was about my life that was missing. If there was an equation for my life it would look like this- loving husband+beautiful healthy girls+family+sisterfriend=complete. She is my safety net, my safe place, my respite of non-judgement, which hopefully temporarily, came to a screeching halt the other day around 8 pm. It had been a rough day for us all and the combination of my intense daughter with her sensitive angel of a child, proved to be more disasterous than I thought possible. Apparently she has been harboring some intense feelings about how my daughter acts/reacts. We had a long, very adult conversation regarding this and all feelings involved. Some things were said that, after some time to marinate in them, I feel I have a problem with. I have woken up these last 2 mornings with a very heavy heart. I feel like my safety net of non-judgement is gone. I feel like I am the only one who sees all the awesomeness of my very bright 3 year old. I don't expect anyone to love my child as much as I do (well maybe my mom) but I really felt that of all the people I associate with, she was one person I could count on to love my daughter, in all her wicked glory, unconditionally. We have spoken on the phone a few times since and things seem to be fine on the surface. I am scared to death about the next time we get together. We usually see each other twice a week and I am feeling like there may need to be a break. So we can heal, so I can heal. When I see her I want to hug her tight and cry. When I think about all the things that were said I want to curl into a ball and sob. Things just feel up in the air right now. In one respect I am confident that things will go back to normal and on the other hand am terrified that this is the wedge that comes between us, that this is the splinter that will burst our bubble. God I hope not. I feel sick over this whole thing. And I am lost.

deep thoughts

Most times when I just can't stand it all, I get an intense need for a hot shower. I am not sure when this came about but it seems to satisfy. These are not just normal wash yourself type showers. I make sure the water is just right then I sit on the floor of the shower, head directly in the path of steamy water, and I let it run down my body. But mostly I feel it is washing my brain. I can sit there for some time, some might see this as wasteful, where I see it as theraputic. Cheap therapy. For some reason, I feel like I can really think when I do this, and my thoughts are tolerable. My hair in my face, catching the water, I can watch it fall away from my face. I often wonder where my daughter gets her quirks (some things just have to a certain way), thinking she is quite strange, but if I look at my quirks, like really look at them, they are parallel. I am just an adult version with a bit more insight. Not much at times, but I regress.